flux

So many changes and things to think about....

The short story is that my honey will be selling his share of his business in the next couple of weeks. It's a decision that's been a long time coming. He and his partner have not been happy with each other for several months. They each have a very different managerial style and different philosophies about how to run and market the company and what kinds of contracts they wanted to attract. So, Mike has decided to sell out and start anew.

The timing couldn't be more perfect. For months now we have been moaning about not having balance in our lives. In fact, numerous times we have come to the conclusion that it would be wonderful if I could go to work full-time as a marine biologist, and he could stay at home with the kids and run the household. In many ways he is far better at being the stay-at-home parent than I am. He is infinitely more patient with the boys, and far better organized - when I'm away he has them at school 15 minutes early, while I am usually tearing through the school zone at 8:29 and still have to get the kids into their shoes and sweaters when they arrive! He has a much better sense of prioritizing his time at home and is much more likely to get a handle on the finances than I ever was.

So, now it's happened. I have no choice but to go back full-time now! It's very scary. Of course, it's what I've wanted for a long time, that sense of fulfillment and actually using the training I've acquired over the years. But I'm worried that since having kids, I am really rusty. I'm very accustomed to making my own schedule throughout the day and I'm worried that I will find it difficult to get the self-discipline to be at work at 8:30 every day. On the other hand, I am definitely looking forward to finding my place in my field again, and hoping to follow through on my idea to ride my bike to work so that I might actually start losing weight again.

All of the changes in our lives are both very hopeful and positive, and yet decidedly unsettling. The sale of the company will provide us with a small pot of gold, and we really do see the rainbow that comes with it. Still, we will need to figure out if we can continue to afford our house, our car, our children's school. Of those, we would sooner move into a mobile home than take our boys out of their fabulous school. It's more than just a school, it's an entire community of like-minded people. Which means, we might have to downsize our house. Which won't be hard philosophically - our house is really quite huge; that's normal for this area of our town, but it's hardly necessary. Having spent my childhood living in boats, I know that to be true. But moving itself is such a procedure. Can we use this opportunity to declutter and start afresh? Or will we fall back into old, easy patterns?

We are being forced to really take a long hard look at our priorities, and see if we are brave enough to actually take our lives to where we'd love them to be, to put our principles into action. To minimize our ecological footprint. To walk to school. To ride to work. To use a smaller car, and use it less often. To buy produce locally. To make more food from scratch. To exercise more. To live in a smaller house that takes less energy to heat. To live with what brings us joy and harmony, not with clutter. To spend more time outdoors. To have less plastic and more earth. To know our neighbours. To put energy into helping others. To use our skills in a way that fulfills us professionally and spiritually.

We've been talking the talk for a long time. Can we walk the walk?