Rocks and sand

I have not posted for a few weeks now. It has been very hectic and stressful. Michael sold his company, and with that came the security of being able to pay off our debts and purchase a couple of treats that we have had on the wish list for many years, but also the terrible insecurity of not knowing what is next and how we are going to make it all work.

I have found that it is all too personal to post on a blog for all the world to read, even my closest friends and family (perhaps especially my closest friends and family, for whom I think I want to portray an air of confidence and optimism). I am not comfortable writing about these big issues - our worries about money, about my husband's next career move which would more than likely find us in Vancouver living on a grad students' budget, about my insecurities at work - both my ability to perform to expectations and the fact that I am trying to support a family on one short-term contract (40 days!) to the next, with no promise of anything longer term.

I wish I could write about all the little things - the awesome (if I may say so myself) Star Wars party we threw for Kieran's 7th birthday, the funny things Liam has been saying, my love affair with my new hybrid bike and my new Nikon D80 (I've died and gone to heaven). I'd love to write about the cool things we're doing at work and our plans for the summer. But I fall back to thinking that those things would just seem trite without being able to discuss the Big Stuff - and the Big Stuff is just too BIG to write about without exposing myself too far.

Ever since this big transition, we've had lofty ideas and visions of more free time, more serenity, and better priorities. We've both found the opposite. It is as hard for me to adjust to working full-time and being the breadwinner as it is for Michael to adjust to being the stay-at-home Dad and juggling the kids' schedules and the home front. It is really, really difficult for both of us. We know where we want to be, we just can't see out of the quicksand right now.

There is a parable about a jar and sand and rocks. You all know the one - the rocks are the truly important things in life and the sand is all the trivial stuff. If you fill your jar with just sand, you will have no room for the rocks. But if you fill your jar with the rocks first, then your jar will be full, but you'll still have room for the sand if you want to put it in. In the next few months, I need to focus on the rocks. Unfortunately, this blog is one of the sandy things. It takes time away from the important issues. Perhaps I will come back to it once I have got all those rocks sorted out. I hope so.